Chapter 17: Whale You Were Sleeping...

More tales of bravery, adventure and rectal gas. We hiked up the Franz Josef Glacier - the fastest moving glacier in the world. We twisted and turned up the face to reach the summit through little caves and very thin passage ways. Another couple of kebabs in Australia and I don't think we would have made it. With an hour or so to go until we were back at the bottom we jumped into an icy pool. It was a nugget cold. So cold that once inside I couldn't talk or even scream. Brrrrr.

Foxes in the Glacier

We have a nice little group of girlies we have been hanging with - Alice, Flora, Jane, Laura, Michelle and Cassandra - representing England, Holland, Germany and of all places, Turkmenistan. Regardless of their background they often moan to us that we act like children - as if that could be true. However, when Rich performed The Musical Wallet you have never seen such laughter from supposedly the more mature members of the group. (Editors note: The Musical Wallet consists of opening your wallet slowly whilst simultaneously breaking wind, thus creating the illusion that the parping is coming from the money container rather than the anus). Happy days.

More Kiwi Experience nonsense followed. A Toga party. Prizes were offered for the best costume though I think anyone who managed to make it home still in their bed sheet deserved a medal too. Watch out ladies:

Toga, Toga, Toga...

The next morning I did the single most terrifying thing I have done in my entire life - The Nevis Highwire. A 134m bungy jump in the middle of a canyon. At nearly the length of 3 Olympic size swimming pools, the drop gives 8 and a half seconds of ground rushing freefall. I really thought I might die. Skydiving was a walk in the park compared to this. I happy to go on record and say that jumping out of planes is for jessies. This was extreme.

Like a Puppet on a String...

Needing some time with feet on the ground we hired a Mazda Bongo, filled it with beautiful girls and went for a drive around Queenstown and the surrounding countryside. It was lovely. No chance of death here, or so I thought..... the radio didn't work but praise the Lord the girls knew around 70% of the Grease Megamix. Where's that shotgun....?

Look at Me. I'm Sandra Dee.

Went out that night and got drunk. Rich returned and announced to the room "Hey Nick! You'll never guess what this girl said to me at the bar?" Then he broke wind. Very loudly. The laughter went deep into the night. Grow up girls!! Sometimes it's like travelling with a bunch of 5 year olds. Michelle ordered a pineapple drink. Alice found some ham on a table and I paid her $5 to drop it in. Spent 20 minutes making Hawaiian punch jokes.

New Zealand has the worst sausages in the World.

My number 1 fear in the whole Universe is pregnant women. Coming in a close 2nd are Whales, and let's be honest, there is a fair amount of cross over there. Summoning all my courage and not wanting to lose a bet to a German, I went out with Rich, Flora and Alice on a Whale spotting trip in Kaikoura. If you didn't already know, the Sperm Whale has the largest brain of any animal on the planet. They are clever. They hunt humans by swimming to the bottom of the sea, covering themselves in seaweed then floating back to the surface and pretending to be an island. The whale then waits for people to set foot on their back then it shakes them off in the sea and gobbles them up whole. I know this to be true - I read it in a book.

Well, I doth my cap to them. They may be big, scary man-eaters but this trip produced the most magical sight from the animal kingdom I have ever had the pleasure to witness. In between 2 Sperm Whale sightings we saw a Humpback Whale swimming in a pod of 30 or so Dolphins. This dude was massive and it was incredible to watch him bob along the surface while the dolphins jumped around and played beside him. Something I'm sure neither of us will ever forget.

Hellooooo.

We have had a sweet as time in New Zealand. Met some wicked people and done some awesome things. Now it's time to put the Spanish teachings of the hairy-pitted Ms Lopez to the test as we head to continent numero quatro - South America. Latino Heat!!!