Chapter 21: Peru-sing the Incas

We arrived in Peru at Cusco - the starting point for all tourists doing the Inca Trail and as such the town was nicely set up for the westerner. Even had an English pub called the Cross Keys and Paddy O'Flahertys which I believe was an Irish bar. So we set off on our Inca Adventure - 4 days hiking and 3 nights camping on the way to Machu Picchu. In our team we had 3 other Brits and 5 Americans who turned up late on the first day of hiking. This was fine as it meant we could spend the whole day taking the piss out of them and theorizing what they might be like. When we met them that night they didn't disappoint. During dinner one of the girls, Casey, commented "Hey! This tastes just like apple pie, but without the pie!" I looked up - she was eating an apple. But to be fair to the Yanks they were all good value for money. Along with 2 English speaking guides were 17 (very hard working) porters to help carry all the equipment we needed. They were all wearing matching tops that were very similar to 1980's Liverpool football shirts, which is why I like this photo so much because it looks like some dickhead in a Wimbledon shirt jumped in the wrong squad photo.

Who's the wanker in the blue? Who's the wanker...in...the...blue?

Along the way, Guide Freddy would explain all about the Inca civilization and also the plants and wildlife around us. There was all manor of stuff to eat, chew, rub and sniff to make you tired, numb, buzzing or desperate to sneeze. There was some crazy stuff in them there hills! The path was very quiet and we rarely saw other people except every now and then we bumped into a very overweight Irish girl struggling along the trail and moaning to her friend, "Oh Rosie! Why couldn't dem Incas build dere stairs prap-arly?"

The food prepared by the team chef was absolutely amazing. By far the best food we have had in South America and he did it all with a tiny little stove and a couple of pans. Day 3 of the hike was Richies birthday and he even managed to somehow bake a birthday cake and ice it too!

25 and still above ground

On the final morning of the hike we were up at 4am for a 2 hour walk to Machu Picchu. Once a University for the great minds of the Inca people and also used as a safe haven for the Inca virgins when the Spanish invaded. Sending virgins to the University??? I think it was the same guy who sent 400 chocolate buns to a weight watchers class, 50 crates of beer to George Best's house and 190,000 U.S. machine guns to Iraq. Seeing Machu Picchu appear from behind the morning clouds and the sun shining through was an unforgettable moment, made even sweeter by the fact that we had damn well earned it too.

Machu Picchu and you and you and da-da-da

Ever since I was a little boy after reading Mysteries of the Universe with my crazy old Auntie Reenie it has long been a dream of mine to fly over the Nazca Lines and this trip made that dream come true. Giant geometric shapes and animal drawings in the Peruvian desert visible only from the sky. No-one knows for sure why they were made. Theories include religious walkways, visions from a Shaman, maps of the Earth and stars and even Alien runways. I like to believe the latter is correct and I think Auntie Reenie would agree. The Worlds foremost expert on the lines is a woman called Maria Reiche though I found it hard to take her seriously. Not because she was a woman, not because she was 268 years old, not even because she was German, but because she looked just like Bricktop from Snatch.

Incy Wincy Spider....

Sandboarding in Huacachina was great fun. It's a little town next to a lagoon in the middle of these crazy big sand dunes and there is sod all to do except lie in the sun, drink and go sandboaring. We were on top of one big dune with an Israeli and an old French dude. No-one was saying anything.... so I just farted. The French guy cheered "Salut!" as he rode off into the sun. It was a magical connection.

You totally missed the sea dude!

We have met some interesting people over the last year and done some strange things, yet I still never expected to find myself being taken to a salsa dance club with a Peruvian midwife. Oh how the world continues to surprise me. After a few basic steps, Rosa dragged me kicking and screaming onto the dance floor. As soon as we started the music stopped and the spotlights came on right where we were standing. I had no idea what to do so just stood there staring blankly like a retard with a rubix cube. After what felt like a year the lights dimmed and music kicked up again and in her defence it was fantastic fun. So much so we even went back the next night. Think I even heard one local say "Hey! That cracker can move!!" In return for 6 hours salsa lessons I showed Rosa how to make her sister's beer froth up everywhere by slamming her bottle on top of it. Fair deal I think?

On the final day before heading to the airport town of Lima I went on a wine and pisco tour with Rosa and her sister Carla. This is only blog-worthy because Carla tried explaining what was happening in English but couldn't pronounce the word 'Juice' and each time said 'Jews'.

"For 2 months each year we keep the Jews in these big containers....."

No-one knew why I was giggling and I couldn't be bothered to explain.

Carla (black top), the cracker, and Rosa (white top)

Damn these 3 months in South America have gone fast. Rich and I are now next to fluent in Spanish (sort of) although on the last day in Peru Carla pointed out to me that for the last 3 months I have not been asking people if I can borrow their pen.....but asking if I can borrow their penis. Oh well. Maybe that's why we got cheap internet everywhere??

We draw ever closer to home. Like the sands dripping through an hour glass, so are the days of our lives. But for now we fly from South to North America to a little city on the east coast, and hey, if I can make it there....I'll make it ....... anywhere!!