Chapter 22: You Can Hear It In My Accent When I Talk...

I'm an Englishman in New York.... and so is Rich.

Had a nightmare getting to New York from Peru. Goddamn anus at US customs holding everyone up so missed a connection and got stuck in Florida. Had to buy myself some pretend pilot wings with the name 'Randy' on to cheer myself up. Got to New York tired and hungry. I was determined to blank my mind from the stereotype that all Americans are stupid. Went to get some lunch. With my meal came a little sachet with the words 'SALT - contains salt' written on.

Rich and I ate dinner at the Seinfeld restaurant while we waited for our loving friend and fellow Trowbridgian Cara to arrive. We stayed at a hostel in Harlem and on day 1 Rich saw a man in the street on all fours, urinating, with his fingers stuck up his bottom, Cara was chased by a man in the street with a python and I was publicly forgiven for my involvement in 400 years of slave trading. Better late than never I guess.

Went to Macy's and saw Beyonce then took a stroll over Brooklyn Bridge.

Angels of Harlem

We spent the evening at Coney Island. Went on the ghost train and big wheel. Also collected tickets from a shooting range and very addictive Deal or No Deal arcade machine. Largely thanks to Cara's dealing skills we had enough for 3 USA badges, 3 globe key rings, a toy gun, a whoopee cushion and a Chinese finger trap. Quite the impressive haul I think. Had beer and hotdogs down by the pier. Cara blew up the ketchup dispenser.

We had a Wheely Good Time

For a little culture we went to the Natural History Museum. To be honest was fairly crap, but I did find out that if I lived on a Neutron star I would weigh 2 and a half trillion pounds - about average for an American of my height. Saw the Statue of Liberty and it was almost struck by lightening. Woooo.

Believing it to be some kind of owl sanctuary, we headed down to a place called Hooters. Imagine my abhorrence when inside all we found were scantily clad girls with big jugs....... of beer. I was extremely disappointed that we didn't get to see a single owl all night, but there were some fine examples of the lessor-spotted american great tit.

Boobies!

Watched a fat black woman throw up pizza on the subway on the way home. All in all a very successful night.

Visited Empire State Building, Trump Towers (that'll be the whoopee cushion again) and took a moonlit trip up to the top of Rockefeller Centre to see New York by night. Dazzling.

As Cara headed for home we went off to one of the most famous sports arenas in the World. The soon-to-be-demolished Yankee Stadium. Despite baseball being essentially grown men playing a girls sport it was a great experience. I particularly enjoyed lots of Asians wearing the shirt of their pitching hero 'Wang' and 60,000 Americans doing the YMCA during the break. Yankees beat Detroit Tigers 9-3.

I got 99 problems, but a pitch ain't one

So for the last year we both knew this day would come. After a year of holding each others hands, Rich was to head back to the motherland. For his final night we went to a Jazz hotspot called the Lenox Lounge and sat and drank Budweiser til the cows came home (we had to leave then as we were in their seats). So long Rich and thanks for all the fish.

Deserted in New York, I needed to find a new friend. Despite living dangerously close to Milton Keynes I decreed that Charmaine could have the honor of accompanying me to see a show on Broadway. An hour queuing in the rain got us great seats in row 7 to watch Chicago.

And all....that....Jazz!!!

As you can see, I even made an effort with a shirt. Afterwards we sat and drank cocktails in the post-theatre bar. Not quite as sophisticated as Hooters, but was very pleasant none-the-less.

So with Richie back home, the New York drizzle trickling down my window and only MK scum for company I decided it was time to move on for one last adventure.

I hear Bermuda is nice this time of year.....