Chapter 17: Whale You Were Sleeping...

More tales of bravery, adventure and rectal gas. We hiked up the Franz Josef Glacier - the fastest moving glacier in the world. We twisted and turned up the face to reach the summit through little caves and very thin passage ways. Another couple of kebabs in Australia and I don't think we would have made it. With an hour or so to go until we were back at the bottom we jumped into an icy pool. It was a nugget cold. So cold that once inside I couldn't talk or even scream. Brrrrr.

Foxes in the Glacier

We have a nice little group of girlies we have been hanging with - Alice, Flora, Jane, Laura, Michelle and Cassandra - representing England, Holland, Germany and of all places, Turkmenistan. Regardless of their background they often moan to us that we act like children - as if that could be true. However, when Rich performed The Musical Wallet you have never seen such laughter from supposedly the more mature members of the group. (Editors note: The Musical Wallet consists of opening your wallet slowly whilst simultaneously breaking wind, thus creating the illusion that the parping is coming from the money container rather than the anus). Happy days.

More Kiwi Experience nonsense followed. A Toga party. Prizes were offered for the best costume though I think anyone who managed to make it home still in their bed sheet deserved a medal too. Watch out ladies:

Toga, Toga, Toga...

The next morning I did the single most terrifying thing I have done in my entire life - The Nevis Highwire. A 134m bungy jump in the middle of a canyon. At nearly the length of 3 Olympic size swimming pools, the drop gives 8 and a half seconds of ground rushing freefall. I really thought I might die. Skydiving was a walk in the park compared to this. I happy to go on record and say that jumping out of planes is for jessies. This was extreme.

Like a Puppet on a String...

Needing some time with feet on the ground we hired a Mazda Bongo, filled it with beautiful girls and went for a drive around Queenstown and the surrounding countryside. It was lovely. No chance of death here, or so I thought..... the radio didn't work but praise the Lord the girls knew around 70% of the Grease Megamix. Where's that shotgun....?

Look at Me. I'm Sandra Dee.

Went out that night and got drunk. Rich returned and announced to the room "Hey Nick! You'll never guess what this girl said to me at the bar?" Then he broke wind. Very loudly. The laughter went deep into the night. Grow up girls!! Sometimes it's like travelling with a bunch of 5 year olds. Michelle ordered a pineapple drink. Alice found some ham on a table and I paid her $5 to drop it in. Spent 20 minutes making Hawaiian punch jokes.

New Zealand has the worst sausages in the World.

My number 1 fear in the whole Universe is pregnant women. Coming in a close 2nd are Whales, and let's be honest, there is a fair amount of cross over there. Summoning all my courage and not wanting to lose a bet to a German, I went out with Rich, Flora and Alice on a Whale spotting trip in Kaikoura. If you didn't already know, the Sperm Whale has the largest brain of any animal on the planet. They are clever. They hunt humans by swimming to the bottom of the sea, covering themselves in seaweed then floating back to the surface and pretending to be an island. The whale then waits for people to set foot on their back then it shakes them off in the sea and gobbles them up whole. I know this to be true - I read it in a book.

Well, I doth my cap to them. They may be big, scary man-eaters but this trip produced the most magical sight from the animal kingdom I have ever had the pleasure to witness. In between 2 Sperm Whale sightings we saw a Humpback Whale swimming in a pod of 30 or so Dolphins. This dude was massive and it was incredible to watch him bob along the surface while the dolphins jumped around and played beside him. Something I'm sure neither of us will ever forget.

Hellooooo.

We have had a sweet as time in New Zealand. Met some wicked people and done some awesome things. Now it's time to put the Spanish teachings of the hairy-pitted Ms Lopez to the test as we head to continent numero quatro - South America. Latino Heat!!!

Chapter 16: The Big Green F*ck Truck

The best in-flight meal ever as we flew to Auckland. We had the choice of fish or Muslim fish. Huh?

We decided for New Zealand we would do the Kiwi Experience. Four weeks of touring the islands with other young traveller folk in a big green bus (with a reputation). Always on the move always doing something. Our first fun activity was Zorbing (rolling down a hill in a big inflatable ball). Then we went Black Water rafting in glow worm caves.

Rubber Up - Safety First

It turns out it's not actually the worms that give off the green glow but rather their shit. Reminds me of being back in Brighton when PT cooked us sprout, egg and curry surprise. When no-one volunteered to be the first into the icy cold cave water the instructor turned to me and said my helmet light wasn't on, so I put up my hand to check it. "Well volunteered. In you get." Damn it.

At Lake Taupo on a beautiful sunny day I jumped 15,000 feet out of a plane. Was an experience like no other. To quote Legion of Doom "Arrrrrgh, What a Rush!" It's too hard to describe the feeling. Fortunately a picture is worth 1000 words.

Hello World

Rich did his jump a few days later at 12,000 feet. He thinks I'm going to take the piss because he did the smaller jump, but not at all. It takes balls to jump out of a plane at any height. It is worth mentioning though that the plane that went up to 12,000 feet was pink with pretty little pictures of fairies, rainbows and dancing unicorns on it.

No rest for the wicked, the next day we did the Tongariro Crossing. Basically a 17k trek up one side of a volcano and down the other. It was knackering getting up there but the views at the top were just spectacular. We were walking with the Gods above the clouds.

The Thinker

We had a couple of days in Wellington at the foot of the North island. Went to the museum. Got laughed at by a member of staff as I couldn't figure out the solution to build a robot to turn a switch in a computer game. It was designed for 4-8 year olds. Luckily Rich was there to lend a helping hand. What a retard. Got a ferry to the South island.

New Zealand has to be the most naturally beautiful country so far. We go on a walk each day to some kind of unusual mountain or bizarre cave or controversial river. Still, haven't seen anything quite up to the Westbury White Horse standard yet. But there's still time...

One night Rich cooked some of us a chili. It was hot on the way in and even hotter on the way out. Caused some great amusement and the next morning, I swear this is true, we went to Cape Foulwind. Truth really is stranger than fiction.

We joined up with another BGFT for one hell of a shindig. The theme was 'Anything But Clothes'. Everyone made a solid effort with costumes, but in the words of Oscar Wild "What the fucking hell's bollocks was I thinking???"

The Special Class

They predict snow, I go out wearing a deck of cards, but oh! what a night. It may not surprise anyone to hear that I was still moderately covered up compared to a lot of other people.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, The Kiwi Experience.

With sore heads, damaged egos and absolutely no dignity whatsoever the tour continues...