Chapter 20: This is all Salt? I don't Bolivia!

Since leaving Old Blighty all those moons ago, we, and our fellow travellers, have taken much joy in laughing at things that have been poorly translated into English. Sometimes things are indecipherable but often it is just the smallest spelling mistake that changes the whole meaning of the sentence - these are always the funniest. At Sao Paulo airport Rich spotted the jewel in the crown. An Aids and HIV information leaflet offered the following advice:

After intercourse, wash your genitals with water and soup.

Is Cream of Chicken OK? Should I blow on it first? Can I add croutons?

We arrived in La Paz, Bolivia. At 3600 meters above sea level it's the highest capital city in the world and you can damn well feel it too. The air is so thin you can't bend over and tie your shoe without coming up gasping like an asthmatic Grand National winner. We headed south to Salar de Uyuni. Definitely one of the strangest places on the planet. 12,000 sq kilometers of pure salt. To put into perspective, the same size as Belgium. We drove round in a 4x4 with 4 lovely Austrians and 2 Bolivian guides. On the first night of the trip we stayed in the Salt Hotel. As it's name suggests it is made entirely of salt - tables, chairs, beds, even the building itself. Admittedly this seems odd, but when you are surrounded by tonnes of the stuff and the nearest brick is 5000 kilometers away, what would you build your hotel out of? The awesome power of human adaption. Of course dinner time brings the opportunity for the joke that everyone has been sitting on all day:

How is your meal sir?
Very nice, but........ do you have any salt?

By candlelight we ate llama steaks and played Texas Hold'em. We didn't have any poker chips so instead we used....oh.....what was it again?.....oh yeah, now I remember.........salt.

He's got the whole world in his hands....

The rest of the trip was spent visiting volcanoes, lagoons, geysers and a very welcome natural hot spa. 5 degrees outside, 38 degrees in. Lovely. The Bolivian desert is one crazy mother. I had one of my favourite cultural exchanges of the whole trip with our guide, Luis. Sat round a fire, sharing a bottle of red wine, he taught me the Spanish for farmyard animals and I taught him the lyrics to the Transformers theme music. Everyone's a winner. That night was soooo goddamn cold, about 12 degrees below freezing. Got up at 6 in the morning. Wanna brush your teeth? You can't. Pipes all iced over. Wanna have a dump? You can't. Water inside the toilet a solid block and I don't think Broadway is quite ready for Turds on Ice. Returned to La Paz.

And for Desert?

I went to watch the modestly titled 'The Strongest' football team in La Paz, though I think Motty may have a thing or two to say about that. Liquid football it was not. The team's kit made them look just like Trowbridge Town whereas the team's ability made them look just like Trowbridge Town. They were playing 'Aurora' who I'm fairly sure is the Princess from Sleeping Beauty. However, for one reason, this game will remain forever etched in my memory. Geographically speaking, the Hernando Siles Stadium is the highest on the planet and I sat on the very back row, making it impossible to watch a game of football closer to the heavens and stars anywhere else in the World.

We are Trowbridge, Super Trowbridge.....

Now here's one for the mums. After not riding mountain bikes for 10 years, we decided to ride the track from La Paz to Coroico, otherwise known as The Worlds Most Dangerous Road. Since tourists were allowed to bike this road 9 years ago, 11 people have plummeted to their death, including one just 4 months ago. This of course is on top of the countless vehicle accidents that happen on a weekly basis (estimated 200-300 deaths per year). The side of the road is riddled with cross-shaped 'safety barriers'. As the road gets as narrow as 3 meters with drops over the edge of over 1000 feet the rule of the road is not 'right of way' but 'right of weight' - if it's bigger than you then get the fuck out the way. Just to make things easier for us we awoke in the morning to find La Paz under 2 inches of snow - the first time they have had snow there in 21 years. I'm sure you will be pleased to hear that after 5 hours we completed the 44km track and survived to tell the tale. We have sampled one or two different beers on this adventure, though I don't think any of them tasted so sweet as the one that greeted us at the bottom of...... The Worlds Most Dangerous Road....

Good ride, no-one died

Our final activity of interest in Bolivia was a visit to one of the worlds most famous and certainly amusingly named bodies of water - Lake Titicaca (he he he). Despite having swan pedalos available we took a small boat out to the Isla Del Sol which was the birthplace of the Inca empire. Spent the day hiking around the island and admiring the pretty scenery before 2 Hawaiian pizzas and a few beers sent us to bed, satisfied that another landmark had been conquered on this most excellent of adventures.

Tit

As we pass through each country here in South America we know we are one step closer to the end of the trip. However, we are comforted by the knowledge that we are also one step closer to a place where water pipes and sewage pipes are not one and the same thing and a bin next to the toilet is for toe nail clippings and nothing more.

Chapter 19: Her Name is Rio...

Moving into Brazil we got stopped at the Police checkpoint. Out of a bus full of South Americans the Brazilian cops search the bags of the only 2 Peckerwoods on the bus. Presumably trying to find some contraband to use to fine us. Fortunately my kilo of coke was still taped to my thigh from the border crossing and my Desert Eagle .50 was tucked nicely into my sock. Racism on a bus. Whoever heard of such a thing??

We arrived at Sao Paulo which is just stupidly large. We spent a couple of days aimlessly wandering around and picked up a new friend, Alex, who had just been mugged in broad daylight. Bastards took everything. Sao Paulo ain't that safe.

So we headed off to Rio de Janeiro. Just possibly the most beautiful city on Earth. We rode the cable car to the top of Sugarloaf Mountain and it's not hard to see why it's known as...

The City of God

One of the Live Earth concerts was held 15 minutes from our hostel on Copacabana Beach so we chilled on the sand, drinking and listening to the sounds of Macy Gray, Pharrell Williams and Lenny Kravitz. It was estimated one million people turned up. We met a bunch of 'volunteers' on the beach. I use the term loosely as their volunteer work consists of teaching 18 year old Brazilian girls how to play football. Hmmmm. Bet they hate Mondays.

Live Earth, Rio

We have spent a few days relaxing on the beaches and the weather has been perfect. Of course whilst on the beach you can't help but notice the girls of Rio. Fuck Me. They certainly curve in and out in all the right places and they damn well know it too!! However, since we are in Rio we have to behave ourselves all the time because someone is always watching.....

I am the Light of the World

Christo Redentor. Christ the Redeemer. One of the new 7 Wonders. Millions of people all around the World spend their entire life searching for Jesus. We found him in 25 minutes. It was easy. He was right on top of a big mountain! We just got a taxi there. Salvation is ours.

The slums of Rio known as Favelas are pretty dangerous places and you need to take a guide to go in. So we did a 'Favela' tour or as we preferred to call it 'Kiddies with Guns' tour. Some of the kids guns were taller than they were and it looked like they were breaking a sweat just holding them up. We did learn a lot about the way of life there. No-one pays for gas, water or electricity because everyone has illegal connections - like when Richie and Eddie steal Mr Rottweiler's gas. Also, the best time to buy drugs is when it rains because the Police don't like going out in the wet and as soon as it stops raining they all appear again. For this reason they are known as 'The Worms'.

Drink Up Boys

One of the most anticipated events of our trip was hang gliding over Rio and it certainly didn't disappoint. We soared gracefully with the birds. At least once a week since Rich and I were 12 years old we have had the same conversation.

"Ever been hang gliding?"
"No, you?"
"No."

"Well thats exhausted that one then."

After 13 years, the joke has finally run its course.

Just Hanging...

Over the past week I have fallen in love with Rio (the city, not Ferdinand). I have a feeling mine and her paths will cross again. A German once told me of a saying they have: In life, you always meet twice. Well, I hope with me and Rio this is true.

Last Friday the 13th we went diving with sharks. This time we are flying on Bolivian Airlines. Yeeeees. Safe.