Chapter 5: And Now for Something Completely Different

So after spending the last 4 weeks in the big city life and never being 5 minutes from a main road or KFC, we hit Hanoi. A delightful bustling maze of streets, situated near a mysterious lake, lined with people selling everything from Chelsea shirts to live frogs. The hostel is run by a couple of Aussies so on our first night enjoyed a good BBQ on the roof.

Next morning we headed for Ha Long Bay. A series of 3000+ islands off the coast of northern Vietnam. On the way our friendly guide 'Nuc' told everyone about the dog eating in 'Nam. Back in the day starving families had no choice but to cook their own pets. Nowdays, dog is considered a delicacy so you just kidnap and eat your neighbours pets! Brilliant! I can just see it now:

(knock knock)
Hello Tony. You haven't seen Rex anywhere have you? The kids have been looking all over.
No Frank, I haven't.
What's on the stove Tony?
...........Casserole.

Thinking of launching a snack food here for Westerners, "Not Poodle" - just add water.

When we reached the ocean our group of 16 boarded our ship and sat down to a very nice seafood buffet - we had Tiger Prawns, Tuna Steaks and even Octopus Tentacles! We dined with Susie and Laura - 2 girls we met at our hostel. Wasn't gonna eat the Octopus, but Susie dared me and standard playground rules applied and I was backed into a corner. Went caving then swimming in the sea. Enjoyed the beautiful warm water almost as much as doing a 5-Star frog splash off the top of the boat. Slept in cabins.

Rich and Laura enjoy lunch, cat was never seen again

Next morning we went kayaking before dropping anchor at our private beach. It was incredible. Decided to impress the girls with my hole digging ability which appeared to be working until one scooped handful contained a crab and I went running and screaming down the beach. On my return Laura claimed at that moment I had revealed my manhood so I apologised, re-adjusted my shorts and sat back down.

Our beach huts were quality. We shared our bathroom with a lizard. Fortunately Rich stepped up to the plate and dealt with it via a combination of a brush and some firm shooing.

Palm trees, beaches........bamboo. (See Bottom Live 3)

Played vollyball on the sand with the Vietnamese. That evening everyone sat down to enjoy a few drinks and BBQ on the beach. Went for a late night dip and a little bastard fish jumped out the water and hit me right between the eyes! Mother Nature beginning to annoy me.

BBQ - hosted by Tim Henman & Paul O'Grady

Up early the next morning for breakfast and a final dip in the sea before heading back to the hostel. Went to watch a water puppet show with the girls before a well deserved Pizza dinner. Needless to say no-one order the Seafood Delux.

Finally, for anyone that doesn't know, our friend Cara made us puppets to take on our travels. They drummed up a surprising amount of conversation and just for you Ms Rose here is what they have been doing, and they have been getting up to much more mischief than we have!!

'Lil Rich chills in the sun and 'Lil Nick gets lucky at sea with Susie the Mermaid

Chapter 4: A Tale of Two Cities

Arrived at hostel in Xian - dumpling party. Brilliant.

Next day was the main reason for our visit to the city, to see the Terra Cotta Warriors. Emperor Qin ordered these armies to be built around 200 B.C. and they were only discovered in the 1970's by farmers digging a well. Qin believed he needed protection in the after life so had them all created then buried a mile from where he would eventually be laid to rest.

Had a few chinks in their armour :)

On the way back, clearly on the take, our guide took us to some kind of silk factory. Just as things couldn't get any duller we found ourselves front row and centre for a live silk fashion show. Very professionally done, complete with local models who obviously tried to sell us their silky garments afterwards. On the bus on the way home our guide (who looked like a Chinese Mr Bean) announced "I like the girl models. They give me a special feeling."

I'd keep that to yourself If I were you Bean. Ladies present.

That night we went to the Big Goose Pagoda - a fountain and light show spectacular. It was most tranquil. The city of Xian is mainly contained within a large wall, which you can go up on and cycle round. So we did. I guess this wall was built to keep out invaders, but noticed several of the cannons were pointed inwards. It's a bold tactic, but I don't see it working for them.

Being in China, we played table tennis:
Harper (Eng) 3-0 Jones (Eng). 21-5, 21-10, 21-6.

We were reliably informed that the staff at our hostel earned 500 yuan (30 pounds) a month. 'Thats shocking', I thought to myself, as I headed to reception and purchased 1 stamp with a 100 yuan note and stood there for 10 minutes as they scrambled round trying to make change.

Trains to Shanghai were a complete no-go due to the pesky Chinese holiday (still not ended since our arrival in Beijing) so we had to catch a plane instead. Found a bar showing the England - Croatia game. We had many more shots than the team did - Rich passed out on a bench before kick-off. Textbook. He awoke and suffered through the 2nd half as I did. Went home via McDonalds.

Went sight-seeing in Shanghai. People there, much like in most of China stared at us like we were carrying round a severed head. Fortunately one guy over-stared and crashed his bike into the pavement. Got one!! As darkness falls, the city becomes very beautiful to walk around and is quite mesmerising:

Shanghai Nights

However, if I were a tactful person I would say downtown Shanghai has a 'particular untoward odour'. I am not a tactful person. It smells of shit.

So its time to say Zai Jain to China as we head south to Vietnam. Train journey was just over a day. This time I went armed - pipe of pringles, bottle of vodka and Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Super. One more train and a taxi/deathmobile brought us to the border. Known as The Friendship Gate, it is the point at which Michael Palin passed through as part of his round the world travels. It was Richard's idea to moonwalk through it, not mine.

Shamon Vietnam!!

So then, Vietman awaits. Apocalypse Now? Hope not.

Chapter 3: Big Doubles in Little China

So we roll into Beijing and instantly felt much more at home. The Chinese are so much nicer than the Russians, who, to be fair to them, were a miserable bunch of bastards. The Chinese train guards were nice and smiley and amusingly, all their uniforms were 2 sizes too big. They looked like a child wearing school uniform on their first day before their mothers prophecy came true and they would eventually 'grow into them'.

We checked into possibly the nicest hostel in the world just by the main station and who do we see in the lobby? Only Jim, the STA travel agent from Brighton who sold us our round the world tickets! Small world. The past week has been a holiday in China. The day we arrived was the Mooncake Festival - they tasted a bit like a fig roll, but also a bit like a turd.

We could only stay one night before moving across town to where we stayed for the rest of our time in Beijing. We shared a room with a chap from Nepal called Deshwaree. He is on a 2 year bike ride around the world, spreading the message of peace.

Halfords not up to much in Nepal

We went to an Aussie bar as it was the AFL final and it was drink all you can during the game. A guy in there who's name we can't remember (see previous sentence) recognised us from Trowbridge. Smaller World! After that we headed to the main bar street where we met the biggest 2 pissheads I think we've ever encountered. Enter Erin and Steph - 2 delightful young ladies from Oz. They only have 3 stories between them (and they are good ones), but as the vodka level in their blood is never below 75% they kept going round and round telling us the same things - on a 1 hour loop. This went on constantly for 4 days and nights. They teach English in China, so if you ever have a Chinese man come up to you and ask 'Wheres the fucking post office, hey?' chances are he was taught by one of them.

The next morning, looking a little special, we walked 8k of the Great Wall. It was very hot and hard work. It took 5 hours. I thought I was going to die.

I would have put in escalators. The Chinese - lazy.

That night we had a quiet drink with the girls. I was in A+E the next day. Crushed a neck muscle. I blame Australia. Went to the Forbidden City:

It is Forbidden! Unless you pay the 15p entrance fee

Went out with the Auzzies, again. Heard the same stories, again. Went to an Irish pub called Durty Nellies. We were the only people in there. Drank some Guiness - at 10 times the price of a local beer here. Those sneaky Irish-Chinese. Steph lost her bag with camera, money and cash card in. I lost a game of paper, scissors, stone with a street urchin so had to buy a flower from him. I think I may have been hussled.

Rich and Erin in Durty Nellies - Me and Steph, location unkown, possibly China

So after 4 fairly boozey days (hence my witty chapter title) we boarded a train for Xian. Fortunately we were seated next to the only other Westerners on board - Jack and Margaret from Poland who were on honeymoon. After a couple of drinks with them conversation had spiralled into simply naming other words we use in our own country for 'penis'. Without thinking ahead I suddenly shouted out 'WANG!' About 18 people turned round 'Hello?'

Chapter 2: Cabin Fever

We boarded our 6 day train destined for Beijing and were pleasantly surprised by the nice cabin, or 'love grotto' as we preffered. But could we make it to China with our friendship in tact? My snoaring v Richards feet. A battle of the titans. Fortunately both were contained very well and we loved the whole trip. Even read 3 books! There was a lot of little stations in the middle of miles of barron wasteland that seemed to serve no purpose at all. Reminded us of Dilton Marsh.

Rich in the cabin doorway. The hawk-eyes amongst you will spot Malcolm Smith.

In the cabin next to us were 2 French twins. They were touring Russia and Asia as part of a voluntary twin-based study to meet other twins, and they were textbook examples. Basically imagine Paul and Barry Chuckle, remove the moustaches and you have Carolyn and Adelaide. Their English wasn't great but we were united by the Universal laws of 'Yahtzee'. We went passed Lake Baikel - the biggest volume of fresh water on the planet. At each stop the locals would wheel little carts for you to jump out and buy stuff. Handy, especially as I do enjoy a whole raw fish from time to time.

On our final night we ate in the restaurant cart with the twins. The first Chinese meal of many more to come.

Me, sans shave, with Carolyn and/or Adelaide.

So the train ride was a huge success, but it was nice to stretch our legs when we arrived in Beijing. But that tale has only just begun.....

Chapter 1: Genesis

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth. We decided to travel this 'Earth' to see if it really is all its cracked up to be.

The adventure began in Moscow. Night 1 and Rich 'accidently' books us a double bed. Fortunately we were sharing a room with a gay man from Germany and a lesbian from Kazakhstan, so everything began as planned. Then we moved onto our home whilst in Moscow. Basically it was a flat we shared with some lovely people of the world, namely Rodrigo from Brazil and Kirsi from Finland. Rodrigo was there to learn Russian because he met and fell in love with a girl from France and followed her there. We were there for the Vodka. Saw the Kremlin.

and here it is....

Rodrigo, from the slums of Sao Paulo put on his Green Day CD. He said "I have their DVD from when they played in England. I love that town, I forget what its called. M.....Mil......Milt...."

"Milton Keynes?" I asked "Yes, you know it? What a great place!!!"

Our relationship fell apart after that.

We had a fun night in playing cards with some guys from around Europe - Dutch, Danes and Germans. Made 2 important discoveries. Peter Schmeical never advertised bacon in Denmark and there is no German word for 'tissue'. The line "Mathius, can you pass me the mouth paper?" had me and Rich in stitches for the best part of a week after. I dont think they got the joke.

Final points on Russia - lots of beautiful buildings, terrible drivers, and our hostel owner was called Olga Fuchsum. That was nice of her.