Chapter 9: Sing When We're Winning

After a few more days of hot sun, thunderstorms and power cuts on Koh Phangan we returned to Koh Tao. The 3 of us went snorkeling in a little bay where you can buy bottles of fish food and so by throwing a handful on the surface of the water you would get surrounded by fish of all colours, shape and size. They would flock in their hundreds wherever the food landed, so throwing handfuls at Mike's groin was neither mature nor amusing. No wait, it was amusing.

The Human Oreo

For a day of action and adventure we took the boat to Koh Samui and hired a Jeep for the day to drive around the island. Started, naturally, at the rum distillery. After sampling one or two of the rums on offer jumped back in the Jeep (safety first) and cruised onto a waterfall and Big Buddha.

Honestly officer, I just had a Ribena

For our last few days in Thailand we went back to Bangkok. To kill some time on the journey I read The Hound of the Baskervilles. Turns out the dog did it. Everyone knows about the Ladyboys in Bangkok, but I feel the description 'Looks like a lady but really it's a man' is not entirely accurate. The vast majority look like Andre the Giant in a wig wearing some Elizabeth Duke with a chiseled jaw that Johnny Bravo would envy. On our last day in Thailand we made friends with a beautiful young girl called Sandy. She is 25 years old and has a cracking set of pins.

Hello Sandy

The final incident of note happened upon arrival at Bangkok airport. In a revenge attack for a stunt I pulled the day previous, Rich attempted to release a potent gust in my direction before quickly exiting the minibus leaving the recipient gasping for fresh air. Unfortunately the stunt went wrong......and he sharted.

Collins Dictionary defines the act of sharting as: Attempting to fart, but some shit comes out.

Much giggling and a buff and polish later and the jetsetters were on the plane for our next destination.

Splashdown in Singapore was quite literally that. I have never seen rain come down so hard for so long. For the first 2 days and nights it singa-poured down relentlessly. Undeterred we ventured out and were quite taken back with how incredible the place is. Much friendlier than Moscow, more entertaining than Shanghai, a lot cleaner than Bangkok and with technology far in advance to that of Frome. You can plug your mobile into a hub on the bus and watch TV - watched an episode of US Strictly Come Dancing. To illustrate the weather we were dealing with....

Come again another day....

During heavier rain sessions we played Uno with 4 girls from Halifax who have to be the most elegant, graceful and ladylike females from any part of the UK. Below are a couple of our favourite phrases with a non-Halifax translation first:

Please excuse me, I must go and powder my nose - Right, I gotta go squeeze t' peach

Gosh, that is surprising - Shit the bed!

Fortunately on our 3rd and final day in Singapore we had some good weather and took a trip to the zoo.

Us and some girls from Halifax

So after 3 months we say a fond farewell to Asia. There have been highs, there have been lows, we even made friends with a German. I wonder what Australia will bring....

Chapter 8: The Thailanders

So isn't Thailand a colourful place? We joined forces with 3 of Baz's lady friends that are out here for a 2 week holiday - Kay, Paula and Lexi. We had one night in Bangkok together before heading down south, so the Magnificent 7 decided we would go out and sample the famous local Thai entertainment. Hmmmm. Amongst other things we saw a woman burst a balloon by firing a dart from.....well.....only the most depraved of you will suspect the truth. It was quite harrowing. I feel I may never have children for fear of losing an eye. Afterwards we piled into a tuk tuk and asked drive to take us to a nightclub. Unfortunately he seemed to take offence that we didn't want to go into his mates gaff and then took us to a 'disco' a little further down the road. We thought nothing of the heavy male to female ratio during the first 45 minutes, until some bright spark realised we were in Thai Boy's club. Cheers drive. Still, no-one had a worse night than our taxi driver on the way home who was treated to a very loud, very unharmonious rendition of the Darius hit 'Colourblind' by 7 English idiots in his car. He dropped us off short of our hotel and we had to walk the rest of the way.

In all their curvaceous glory - Kay, Lexi, Paula

First island - Koh Samui. Before leaving Trowbo a good friend of ours (naming no names - she knows who she is) said "You have to try the Thai buckets!" So we tried the Thai buckets. For those who have played with us before - we developed the ultimate drinking game 'Team Thai Bucket Go Johnny Go Go Go Go'. Proved to be quite messy. Team Excellent Adventure (me and Rich) revealed the dare card so the general public on the main strip were treated to a double pole dance. However, according to the reviews it was about as erotic as lifting a toilet seat and finding a hitchhiker. Damn critics. Went home soaked from head to toe in beer - thanks Kay :) Baz was found in a doorway doing Alan Partridge impressions. A-Ha! Thai buckets are useful for transforming a group of educated, respected and socially conscious twenty somethings into.....

.....'tards with cards

The next day we parted company with Mr Jones as he headed to Koh Tao to begin the first in a series of scuba courses which we shall come to shortly. The remaining group members ferried over to Koh Phangan. Eating, drinking and sunbathing were the order of play and after a few days of over indulgence we followed to Koh Tao. Went snorkeling. Took a taxi boat around the island. It broke down. Our alleged 'captain' had the bright idea of getting the boys out of the boat in shallow water, wrapping rope around the propeller and on the count of 3 we would give it a huge tug and the engine would start. Hey presto! Well, it would have worked if the boat driver wasn't such a nobber. We tugged, the rope snapped, we fell in the sea - much to the amusement of the other tourists and locals on shore. £250 thank you Lisa Riley.

On the girlies last night we went out for Good-bye / Happy Birthday Nick party. Had a lovely card. It says 'Happy New Year' on the front and plays 'We wish you a Merry Christmas' when you open it up. Thanks guys. Brilliant. Sat drinking on the beach - saw 3 shooting stars.

25 not out.....

The scuba diving was incredible. Rich shall henceforth be referred to as 'Dive Master Jones' as he has done several advanced courses. We saw all manner of tropical fish, rays and bizarre underwater shenanigans. Rich saw a turtle, I saw a jellyfish a meter across. Didn't like the look of it so I threw a wobbly :)

Have met up with 3 fellow Plymouth graduates - Donna & Russell and the Boyo Mike. The night of 6th was the Full Moon Party back on Koh Phangan. Several thousand party goers descend on the beach to frolic the night away until the wee hours.

Sick as a dog in the morning? Oh well, buck it

We left the beach at around 6am and it appeared very reminiscent of the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan. Bodies of Americans sprawled everywhere - so when the inevitable tide came in everyone rushed to pull them out the way. Did we? Or did we stand there pointing and laughing every time a wave came and washed over them. He He He. There are fire shows on the beach at night and the public are invited to join in at various intervals and often in commical ways. Mike made his decision - it's not everyday you see a Welshman doing an impression of Basil Fawlty doing an impression of Adolph Hitler whilst walking through a firey hoop.

Don't mention the war!!